By Lowery Johnson | @loweryjay
Alright gentlemen, listen up. First impressions truly do count, even on dating apps. The majority of you aren’t the smooth talkers you think you are. You think you’re about to slide into a girl’s DMs, but really you’re basically tripping over your feet and face planting. So whether you just want a hookup, or a ride-or-die, NEVER send these messages as your first interactions to girls on Tinder…or POF…or Bumble… you get the point.
Please note: These are messages that real women said drive them nuts and lead to an automatic block or an instant unmatch. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
20. MILF – OK. If a woman puts that she’s a mom in her bio, don’t send her a message saying she’s a MILF. That’s a terrible compliment. It’s not flattering at all.
19. Why are you still single? – When girls read this, they think, “I don’t know, dipshit.” OK, maybe not the dipshit part, but really what are you expecting them to say? “Because I’m emotionally needy and will check your phone when you’re in the shower.” It’s a stupid question that will never get an honest answer.
18. You’re so tall! – If you’re into tall girls, don’t send this. She knows. Don’t tell her. This basically goes for most physical features that stand out. Chances are, if it’s the first thing you noticed, it’s the first thing most people notice –she’s heard this a million times.
17. Want to hang out? – To girls this screams, “Hey, let’s have sex. Then I’m not ever going to talk to you again.” Which might sound great to you, except you’re a stranger to her at this point. She doesn’t know if you’re a murderer. Her goal is to get to know your vibe before she even considers setting up a date or “hangout.”
16. Weird comments about her profession – If she’s a nurse, don’t make a weird comment about how you need a nurse. Don’t ask if she has a sexy costume. If she’s a teacher, don’t be weird and ask if she’ll be your teacher. She’s not a porn star. Stop trying to make her living out to be your fantasy.
15. Pet names right off the bat – For most girls this is a HUGE red flag because it shows emotional immaturity. Don’t call a girl babe, or baby, or bae, or wifey because she’s none ofthose things to you yet.
14. Ab Pics – Your abs don’t impress us as much as you think they do.
13. Pics with no faces – Do you have a face? Are you Catfishing her? She doesn’t know. Also this says that you’re eager to show off your body which might lead to unsolicited dick pics.
12. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen! – Surprised that this makes the list? OK. Most girls see this as a flat out lie. Like have you looked at Kim Kardashian, or Scarlett Johansen, or Beyoncé? Unless the girl is blind or has a serious ego, she knows she isn’t the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, and a woman who is confident in herself doesn’t need you to tell her she is. This feels like a generic compliment that you probably dole out to every girl you message.
11. Threesome requests – Unless her profile says, “Ask me about a threesome,” Don’t ask her about a threesome.
10. Fetish Stuff – “Do you like your feet played with?” Nope. “Do you like it rough?” Nope. “Do you like touching beards?” Nope. “Are you looking for a slave?” Nope. “Do you like latex body suits?” Nope. “Are you looking for a sugar daddy?” Well maybe…wait. Nope. Even if she’s into kinky stuff, that’s not something most girls want to talk about with a guy they just started talking to.
9. What’s your Snapchat? – Why? You finna send a dick pic? Nah. She’s good.
8. Your Cute – This is grammatically incorrect. So for women who are attracted to intelligence, this is an instant turn off. You’re*
7. Ur Sexy – Thanks. Bye. Besides thank you, what should she say to that? Also, is it that much more effort to type out Y-O-U-‘-R-E?
6. Can I Get a BJ? – What in the hell makes you think she wants to put your dick in her mouth just like that? She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t know if you have STDs. Just stop.
5. Are you a good girl? – Uhhh… If she says yes you’re gonna try to change it. If she says no, you’re gonna want her to prove it. Is this a trap?
4. Hi – UGH. She doesn’t know what to say back to that besides, “Hi.” Then you’re going to say, “What’s up?” And She’ll be like, “Nothing you?” And you’ll be like, “Just chilling.” We’ve all had this conversation a hundred times, and it never goes anywhere.
3. Send me a pic – No. Look through the pics on her profile. If she wants to send you a pic she will. She’s not an on-demand photo service.
2. DTF? – OK, so if you want casual sex, you go man! But maybe stop treating women like they are prostitutes. Initiate a conversation, ask her what her intentions are. If she doesn’t say she wants casual sex, then move on. Simple as that.
1. Dick Pics – Unless a girl asks, NEVER send her a picture of your dick. She doesn’t want to see it. Girls don’t have the same reaction to seeing your wiener as you have to seeing boobs. STOP WITH THE DICK PICS.
Here’s a rule of thumb fellas: If it’s not the first thing you’d say to her if you made eye contact on the subway, don’t send it to her as the first message online.